Friday, August 1, 2014

Still with the man of my dreams.. only barely tho..updat

Thanks to all of you that read and check for my updates. I know its been a long time. Sorry all. It was a crazy and at times strange year so far.

So to pick up where I left off. The summer holiday  last year. that was awesome in so many ways. So many fun times and great photos to keep for a lifetime. ♥

After the trip it was time for school again. Met two great friends that I will never be out of touch with. One guy, Adam, who is from Virginia just about 2 hours north of my home in the US and a great lady, Ca, whom is from Italy.  We are a strange bunch but it works just because of that.   These two saw me for the first few weeks of school and noticed that all I did was go to school and home. So they invited me out to Taksim. First thought was the man. What will he say? Will he be angry?  I had to take the chance. I was so sad and lonely at home. So I went. That has now turned into our weekly  Wednesday night Chinese food, Saturday night quiz night and then foolishness in Taksim until who knows when. Dancing, drinking, screaming in the streets. I feel alive again.

So in October he came home for the holiday, Kurban Bayram. It was a short holiday but it was so nice. He took me on a day trip to the Kurdish side of the city and we had some freaking awesome food at a little place that he knows. Hot as hell but so yummy! Then back to Gaziantep and back to school. No fighting and no sadness.

Christmas came around and it was not as bad as it usually is  because I had my two new best friends. We went to school for a half day and then to Cat's house for our Christmas dinner. Her roommates were there and we had so much fun.  During our record long game of Uno, someone said something about Santa coming. At that time, the phone rings.  It was Santa.  My Kurdish Santa. I was so happy.  I took the call and told him where I was at and he told me that he was sorry that he could not be there for the holiday because he knows that it is important to me. He also told me that he had wanted to be here for the jan. 1 holiday but that he did not think it was possible.  It seems that they were a little behind in one of the projects.  He knew that I was upset but at the same time, he knew that I understood.  At least he called.  It ment so much to me that he thought of me on a special day like  this.  The rest of the day was wonderful and according to my friends, I was glowing like a star.

The next time I would see him would be in March. He  called to ask me what I was doing. I was sleeping on the sofa. I ask him what he is doing.. he says sitting at the airport.  I was like WHAT!!???
He said that he woke up and decided to come home. SURPRISE!!!!!
I was freaking out.  Ok, listen, I am not the best housekeeper by far.  And he says that he will be here at like 10:30. It's flipping 11:00am. 12.5 hours to clean the entire house, wash the mounds of clothes, go get some foods for him to eat, and to "make myself pretty".  hahahh.  Mission accomplished!!  When faced with seeing the love of your life after 5 and a half months...no mountain is too hard to move. haha

But ahhh. disaster strikes.. yeah.. ladies.. that woman "aunt flow" decided that she needed to stop by. Thanks to  the internet, I had been reading some articles as of late on how to stop her or make her shorten.I caught her on the first tingle.  Gotta know your body. :)   *Note::: eat a large lemon and take a hot glass of water. it worked but still I went to the eczane and got a pill called Primolut. They are sold here otc. YEAH!!! But please take caution to talk to your doctor and not follow my advice.  I never want to cause anyone any harm.♥

He comes home.  What a great time we had. So much love and so much laughing.No problems.  Well accept for the same ole : "babe, are we ever have a 3some?"
Usual answer.. "you find her and we will but there are like 1 zillion rules"...in other words.. NO! But you gotta say what they wanna hear. :)  But  we had a good days..we went to taksim in the rain to look for some Turkish delights for him to take back to his friends.  There are these ones called Hagi Beker and they are like the most delicious and famous ones.  We finally find the store.  He knows that I love them too...he gets me a box of the rose flavored ones. He knows me so well.

It was a great few days. I really was more happy than most times before. He was so kind and so loving. He really gave it his all and made sure to treat me with the most respect and love that he had done so with in a long time.  Everything about him was so tender and filled with care. Not that he is not always like that, this time was just a little different. I dont know why or what was going on, and I did not care. I just never wanted it to end. But I knew that it had to.
Monday came and he had to go.  I cried a little but I was okay. This was one minute closer to when he would return.

Return??? WOW!! He called me exactly 17 days later to tell me that he was thinking to come home that weekend. I was like WHAT?  Then I thought about the date.. It was April 1. April Fools Day. He was trying to make me laugh by looking up some holidays that I am used to having and he was playing a joke.  I was like ok.  I did not give on that I thought he was kidding.  Fun phone call. ♥

Holy COW!!! Friday evening comes.. he calls at like 11pm and asks if I need anything for the home. I was like what?? where are you? he says at the airport.  I almost fell out. hahhah. he was serious!! He was here ...again! House clean! Yes!! had friends over just hours before he called. Score!!! haha.
he comes home and tells me that he had a crash and needed to take a new car back to Gaziantep and they are cheaper here. He will buy his uncles car. Good deal. But he stops fast.. says he needs to go to bathroom.. I hear him.. hahha. GAS!! I ask him if he is ok.  He says that he drank a liter of milk before he came on the plane.  Uhh,, not a good idea.  he could have killed the other passengers on the plane.  But hey,,, I dont care.. He is here.  Great night♥♥wink wink♥♥
The next morning I tell him that I have already talked with several of my friends and they are all dying to meet him.. I tell him that we all want him to come out to Taksim with us. I knew I was treading on thin ice.  He does not dink or smoke or dance.  He doesn't like crowds. But he agreed to go. Yippie!!!

So Saturday comes. I have two lessons and he goes out to take the car.  We agree to meet at the mall at 8pm. My friend Adam will meet me and we will wait for the man.  I get to the mall and at 745pm we get a call. He is in Esenyurt.  Where?? Far away.  He says that he will be there about an hour later.  ok. me and Adam will sit and cut up and talk shit to everyone and about everyone.  :)  We agree to meet downstairs when its time.

He calls to say that he is there. Adam sees him first.  I say how the hell.  Adam tells me that he has seen enough photos to know who he is looking for.  haha.  Immediately they hit it off. Its like big bro and lil bro.  Love it.  Two of the most important guys to me are getting along. 

We take a little trip to the local and nearby tea cafe.  The two of the engage in a game of Tabla.  The man lets Adam win a game and Adam is all about himself then...so the battle is on.  The man laughs and then gets serious and beats Adam 3 times in a row and lets him win the last of the 5 game series.  Good guy.♥

Time to go. Party!!! To find the car.  haha.  He has parked in the garage. The doors in the mall to the garage are closed. So we have to walk all the way around. Its like 3 km...I am a short legged, slightly overweight, a little older gal.. I am NOT happy but we laugh and cut up all the way.  He says the car is on the level of 3 D.  Great.. We are on level 4 at the M.  Ok down the stairs.  No problem. We go to the stairs. Adam is in the stair well, the man is shortly behind him and I am in the rear.  I am in the stairwell and the door is about to close.. I hear.... DONT LET THE DOOR CLOSE>>>> click!! it' closed...... what happened???

I go down a level to them.. the door there has no way to open it from the stairwell.  Why not?? hahha.  So Adam and the man take off up the stairs to find a way out.  I hear them talking and Adam running ahead to higher levels.  I hear them picking up call phones.  None of the call phones work.  They are coming back laughing.  We are stuck until someone comes in the door.  Ok. Laughter ensues. Madd ness ensues.  Then the man decides after 10 minutes stuck in this stairwell to check the call phone that is right there beside us... guess what... it works.. more hysteria..

The guard comes and lets us out.  We are laughing and stating that the night is going to be a strange one.. oh how right we were..!

We find the car. The man, who is a good driver, but accostomed to a stick shift, now has an automatic. He is a little hard on this little car. The hills around the Taksim area can be hell as is the traffic.  We laugh and try to give him some advices on an automatic.  He thanks us and we find a parking space.  4 km from Taksim  but it is all good. We walk and laugh.  Finally we get to the square.  We meet up with another friend of mine, Ezzie. Adam and Ezzie need to hit the atm and the man and I walk and find some food.  We have a short chat.. I tell him... I know that you like to make jokes and look at other women.  Its ok.  But tonight you will meet 2 more of my friends.  They are more than friends.  They are like sisters to me.  They are off LIMITS. He says ok.

SO off we go.  Tec Tec Chi.  yeahhh.... He meets Cat and Lissa. Other friends also. He is a little taken by the crowd and the music level but a little more taken that we walked right in and others are waiting outside.  Yeah we are regulars and they knew we were coming. Haha. Free first shots once inside.  Thank you.. Then we all start to dance.  He is a wall flower.  But starts to get into it after a while.  He buys me  a few shots and drinks.  He has water.  ok.. I go out several times to smoke.  I leave him inside with Cat who also does not smoke.  She dances with him.. as well as everyone else.  No harm.  I come back and Rhianna comes on ... Only Girl In The WOrld... he is shocked to see me dance like that. hahha. I hear Cat, Ezzie, Lissa, and Adam yelling... get a room.. hahha.. love them. But yeah.. lets go home and get a room.. wink wink..

He says to stay and have fun with my friends.  Ok!  They play JUMP JUMP and our usual circle connects and we all wrap arms and start to jump.  He joins in and starts to have fun.. ♥♥  I cant go alll the way thru the song.  I have to go to the bathroom.. long ass line....... I come back and he has a beer.
WHAT!!!????!!!! yeah.... dancing and singing and having fun.  He is having fun finally. lots of fun.

Closing time.. we all go outside.  I start to walk and call him to lets go.  He asks if we will take my friends home.. I ask and they all say yes please.  Here comes Adam and Cat................and Jessie...........holding onto Cat... it is very apparent what is happening.  Go Cat!!!!   But .... the man gets a little look on his face.   I walk on.. Not sure what is happening..

We walk and he sends Adam to get the car.  Then he turns to me and is very mad. I mean very mad.  He yells at me that "she is ready. but you act like my wife and now she will go with him.  I can fuck her."    I felt sick as hell.  I thought I will throw up. Die.  Holding back the tears.  What the hell???

We take them home and then we start to argue.  Again he says the same thing.  He tells me that he dont want this kind of relationship.  He dont want to change his life like this.  that I want to change his life.  I want to be his wife. I want to control him...

Confusion sets in. fear sets in. I start to cry.  He is driving so fast. So erratic. I am so scared.

He looks at me and says that he will change his life and that I will see.  I say no i will not see.  I mean to say to him.. leave and dont come back.  I dont want to be with someone who does not respect me enough to not say things like this to me and more so about my friends. I am crushed.  Please May 18, 2012 come back.  I will not get on the flight.  We get to our home.. he tells me to take something and I am mad and tell him to take it himself.  I slam the door and he drives away.  I stand alone, crying in the street for 15 minutes.  I am lost. Alone. I want to die.  I just watched the man I love more than I have ever loved anyone drive away.  What am I going to do with out him? I am 10000 miles from home.

He comes back but he is pissed.  We go in the house.  No words are spoken. He lays on sofa.  Crushed again.  I go to him and say.. I will not go to bed angry with you in case I never get to say this ... I love you but I am mad. Please come to bed.  He does. We sleep but on opposite sides. Not touching. It hurts so much.

We wake up and he gets dressed.  I get dressed. He is charging his phone. I tell him that I have a private lesson and that I will go .   He tells me to wait and he will drop me off.  I agree to wait.  He also asks me if I still want a new phone.  Yes.  He says after my lesson to come to the Darty and we will look for one.  I say ok.  

He takes me to the lesson and goes.  I go to the lesson and then call to say that I am on the way to the Darty.  He is in there looking at the washer/dryer combos and the refrigerators. I ask him why and he says that when I move to a new house that he will have to buy these things for me since our home is pre-furnished.    Ok.  We find the phone and he says lets go to the Migros.  We shop but I say to him as we enter that I will go to eat somewhere.  He says where and I say probably in Taksim or Osmanbay.  He says lets shop light and we will go to the Kurdish side to eat.  Ok. Now its a little bit lighter between us.  He tries to make me take the Ben & Jerrys's Chunky Monkey ice cream that he knows i love.  I refuse.  Its really expensive.  He says he dont care. I take it. We pay and go out to the car.  We start the journey to the Kurdish side. Yeah.  We eat and talk and have fun.  After we eat, we walk and talk and have fun. Still the whole time there is a stress in between us.  SO thick and so hurtful.  I think its just me. I have to wonder if he feels bad for the whole event.  Does he regret the comment about my friend or the comments he made to me about trying to change his life.  What is it??

Home is kinda strange.  He watches tv and I try to figure the new phone out.  I go to bed at maybe 11 as I have to go to school the next morning.  He says goodnight and kisses me goodnight.  I go alone.  I wake up at like 1 and he is asleep on the sofa.  I say to him to come to bed.  He gets right up and goes.  He snuggles up to me as usual like nothing has happened. I give a little smile and I hear him mumble something.  I ask again because I know he is asleep and he will say it and not think about it.. he says it in Turkish... it translates basically into : I was drunk.   Ok but still that is no excuse. 1 beer???

I wake up and assume he will leave today while I am at school.  He says that he needs to do some paperwork on the car and that he will see me before he leaves.  Good. We have some "time" but it was strange.  I go get dressed and before I go, I kiss him and then jump on him and hold his head down.. I say,.,,,,,,, the next time you want to fuck someone... try your girlfriend first!   I kiss him and leave.   I got the final word!!!!!!!!!   :)  off to school and the strange conversation I had to have to see if any of them noticed the whole thing.  None of them noticed it.  Cat was completely shocked and hurt.  She thought I was angry with her.. OMG.. I love her to death.. She is so sweet but so naive. ♥





** I will post the rest of this in a  day or so.  The ending to this visit is not what you are expecting**


Monday, January 27, 2014

Hello all.  I know it’s been months since I have updated the going on’s of life here with the Kurdish man.  And well it’s for good reason…. He is in Gaziantep.    He is there working.  He lives there.  I am still here in Istanbul.  Working as a preschool teacher at an upscale school.   Love the job.  It gives me joy to go there each day and know that I am changing the future (for the better of those kids as well as their families)…it keeps me going.
As for how things are with the man… well it has been over one year since he moved to Gaziantep.  The first few months were hard as hell. So many times I thought to just pack up and go home to the US, but he would call about 3 times a week and it would be okay for a few days.  I felt as if he cared and he had to make this move for his future as well as mine, if not for ‘our’ future.  He came back after being there for a month and stayed home for about 8 days.  It was hard to see him leave again but I had to let him go. 
It was time to stand on my own.  I don’t know if he felt bad for this but something told me that he was split on it all.  There was something that said he was glad to be away from me but then there was something that said that he hated to leave me also.  I guess we will never know what he thought at that moment.
So he left in August 2012, came back in September (to help with my resident visa which was a nightmare!) and then he left again saying that he would be back when his work allowed.  October went by and it was hard as this is my favorite time with Halloween and the weather getting cooler and it being time to snuggle up.  Lucky me I had the cat to snuggle with.  Then November came and it was a bit harder.  This is holiday time starting where I am from and Thanksgiving came.  This was a nightmare day for me.  I braved the internet and skyped my family back home.  It was good at first and then came the tears.  They might not have been so bad except that my daughter, 15 at the time, said to everyone “She’s crying” and then my mom started to cry, then my sister, and then my sister in law.  It was not a good ending to the day.  As I lay down that evening, I thought to myself, “that’s it, I am going back”.  Just then the phone rang.  It was the man.  He could hear that I was depressed and he offered a talk but talk does not replace the need for human contact.  Sometimes no words and a shoulder to lean on are better than 10.000 words. 
November ended and December came.  I tried to make the most of it.  I volunteered to decorate the school for the holiday.  It took my mind away a bit.  Then at home I thought that I needed to cheer myself up so I went out to get a Christmas tree.  That was an adventure worthy of its own blog.  Got the tree home and decorated it.
A few days went by and he called.  The usual how are you and is everything ok was asked and then he let me know that he had the intent to come home for the January 1 holiday.  I was happy to hear this but in my heart I wanted him to be here at Christmas.  I know that he does not do ‘Christmas’ but I thought that he could learn to accept this as it is my custom and with me having made such huge changes that he would make this one change.  He agreed.  Surprised is not the word I would use to describe the feeling.  I am not sure that there is a word. 
He was to come on December 22 late at night.  So I cleaned and scrubbed and cleaned everything again.  I stayed awake until almost 3 am.  No man…. The plane was supposed to land at 9pm.    6 hours…. What has happened??? Finally I told myself that I was the biggest fool ever.  I had been dooped  by a great hustler. My heart sank. The tears came and I cried myself to sleep.   I woke at 9am and got dressed and said to myself that I will go to the market and then to visit a friend that I had met from the US.  However, while making the plan I discovered that my phone was dead.  I tried to charge it but the battery was simply dead.  So out the door and down the street to get a new one and back home to charge it for a few mins.  As I walked down the street slowly, I thought…well if the phone is dead now… how long had it been dead?  Since last night? Maybe he tried to call.  Maybe there was a problem with the airport.  ( yeah yeah.. I know.. a fool in love is what I thought too!)  So I was almost running at this point.  I had to get back home and charge that phone.  It was charging and the time going on maybe 12:15 pm.  I kept looking at the phone every two minutes.  Nothing. Nothing at all. It was like looking into the abyss.  Blackness swallowing me ..defeat mocking me.  Heart sinking..slowly falling out of the sky to the sharp rocks and harsh seas below…tears fall.  Sleep engulfs me… A frog. Another frog. And another… what is this??? It’s not frogs… it’s the phone ringing… I look..  It’s him.
He tells me that he is in Istanbul at the airport on the other side.  OMG.  I can’t speak. Is it a lie? A trick? I say ok. He tells me that the flight last night was cancelled.  He had no way to tell me.  He says he tried to call but the phone was dead. Home in 2 hours he says.  Ok.  I wait….
BUZZ…. The doorbell. He is here.  He’s hungry and cold.  But his hug warms us both.  It was the longest hug ever. Full of care and sorrow.  He pulls the ticket out of his pocket to show me that he was telling the truth… he knew that I doubted his story.  There it is… cancelled.  Ok let it go….
The following days were great.  He accepted his gifts and smiled and gave a huge hug.  But he had nothing for me.  I didn’t care.  He is not used to this holiday.  So all that mattered was that he was here with me. He went out so that I could chat with my family back home.  Privacy is somewhat important to him. Good thing there. He goes to school with me the next day to see what my day is like.
He lasted 2.5 hours.  I could not help but laugh.  He was like a deer in headlights… he read the kids a story in Turkish and then he said that he had to go.  He was going nuts.  I could see that he looked at me in a different light.  He had some new found respect for me and for the craziness that I sometimes felt.  (personal thought is that every man should go to work with his lady once to see what she does and understand why she is the way she is…as a woman should do for her man..just one day.)
We stayed in on New Year Eve.  Watched VS fashion show and a BeyoncĂ© special.  Fell asleep.  It was nice.  He lets me know that he intends to buy a car while home.  Okay.  He says also that he will take a new coat for me so that I don’t freeze to death since mine is somewhat thin.  He takes me out with him to the car auction.  We look..no luck… Off to find that coat. We finally find it.. he has it altered and we go home.  The next day he calls to say he has taken a car.  Wonderful.  He comes home after I do and shows off this new ride.  Strange little thing.. An Opel Combo. Never seen such a thing like this in the US. Cute but odd.
He’s been home 11 days now.  I know the time is nearing for him to go.  He says that he will go soon.  Three days later he will go.  Sad but I know he has to go. And so off he goes. The tears fall. They fall out of loneliness.  He’s 3 blocks away but he might as well be on the moon.  He’s gone. That was January 7th 2013.


January 25th….Friday..the last day of school for 2 weeks.  Holiday time. Yippie.  I am out of the school and taking coffee with friends when one of the teachers reads my fortune.   Lol this should be good.  She says she sees 3 birds.. what?? She says that it’s bad and she is not sure but it’s something bad coming in an increment of “3”.  I pay attention..
We go to visit a friend in the hospital that is due to have a baby any time.  While there, the strangest phone call comes.  A foreign number.  I don’t answer.  Then a call from a friend that lived in the US for a while that is back here in Turkey.  I answer.. he tells me to go on line or to call home.  There is something that my mom needs to talk to me about.  Before I can get out to find an internet cafĂ© that strange number calls again.  I look… it’s my moms home number.  I answer.. It’ my daughter…she asks me if I am sitting down. I say no and ask her what is wrong.
She says in a simple clear voice….`aunt Marilyn has passed away’.  I can’t breathe.  I fall to the floor.  My friends are there to pick me up and luckily one of them spoke perfect English so she talks to my mom.  It’s clear that I must go home. With what money?
SO we call the man. He gives his credit card info up easily and tells me not to cry because this is a part of life and we will all die one day.  I know that he was trying to help but not the right words at the time.
So we try to buy the ticket.  Something is wrong with the card info. The next day I call him and tell him.  He gives me another card.   Same problem. OMG.. he starts to get mad. This is not my fault.
Finally my sister pays for a ticket and I go to the airport. I call the man and say my goodbyes and tell him when I will be back. It was a cold conversation and for the next 16 hours I feel lost.  Helpless. Scared.
I am home in the US.  I feel like a stranger in my own home. Weird how that happens.
I call him after being home for about 8 days and he is so cold to me. He says that if I come back to Istanbul that I have to care for myself and that he is tired.  He is very short with me and almost cruel.  I don’t understand.  What happened??? I am so sad. But pick myself up and get ready to come back to Istanbul.. come home.
I get home on a Sunday.  He does not call. I send him a note to tell him that I am here. Still he does not call.  Heartbroken.
I get back to life. Back to school.  I let it go.  The days go by.  2 days, 5 days, 10 days.  I can’t take it.  I call him. He says that he is super busy.  Still the shortness.  I ask why he don’t call me… his answer.. it should be my decision when I call you not your decision.
Literally I fall to the floor.  But I don’t let him hear the tears.  I simply say. Ok.  Don’t be a stranger and hang up.
I try to find ways to keep from thinking of him.  But he is everywhere… this is his city. Not mine.  This is his house.  His clothes are here.  His toothbrush .. his shampoo.  It’s everywhere. No escape. I slowly start to think that I am going crazy.
I realize it has been 3 weeks since he called.  Then out of the blue he calls.  He acts like all is well.  Confused is an understatement.  But I don’t let it on to him.  I keep calm.  After hanging up, I cry myself to sleep for almost 2 weeks until the next call.
Now it’s March. Actually the middle of March. During this month I spoke to him twice.  Into April.. the 2 nd week.. he calls.  3 minutes he talks and says that his phone battery will die.  He has to go. What can I say?
May 1st comes. Almost one year since I came here. FOR HIM!  I call him to ask if he will come home.  His answer is that he will try.  I remind him that it is one year that I am here on the 19th and my birthday  on the 20th.  He says that he does not know but he will try.  His voice says that he really means it.  But he tells me that he is in the middle of a project and if they finish it he will come. I accept this.  I let him know that I am having my daughter come over for a visit.  She will come on June 12 and stay for 15 days.  He asks if I need money and I say he can help if he wants to.  He sends the money I ask for.  He is happy to hear that I will see her and he may get to meet her.   
 And I wait.  Hoping for a birthday surprise from him…May 17 Friday..no call,no man.. May 18, Saturday..no call, no man.  May 19, Sunday…a call. My hopes soar.  He is calling to say he is here.  NO. He tells me that he can’t come. The project is not finished.  My heart falls to pieces.  I let the tears fall. And I don’t hide it. One year.  So important.  And my birthday the next day. He tells me that he can’t control this and that is why he did not say that he would come, only that he would see if it was possible.  He tells me happy birthday and he hangs up.  My mind says that he will call the next day.  No call.  A call comes on Wednesday.  He can hear the sadness.  He tries to not mention it but I can hear in his voice that he can hear and feel the hurt I have.
He tells me that he will try to come while my daughter is here.  I say okay but don’t trust this.  Too many times now he has let me down.  Great if he comes but I don’t expect it.
And then on June 8, 18 days after the last call, he calls me around 1 pm and I don’t answer.  I see it but I don’t want to talk to him.  I don’t want to get depressed.  He calls again a few hours later.  Still I don’t answer.  30 minutes later another call.  I answer my tone not great but friendly.  He asks how I am.. I tell him that I am a bit tired seeing as how I went to the protests in Gezi Park.  He lets me know with a laugh that he will kill me if I go again.  It’s a joke I can assure you.  This is his way of letting me know that he does not approve of my actions… not “Woman don’t do that”, but   “I will kill you”.  It’s an  inside joke. 
I finally ask why he is calling.  I tell him that I am super tired and I still have to go out to a lesson that afternoon at 6pm and that I really have to get going.  He sounds a bit surprised at my lack of wanting to talk to him.  So he tells me that he is at the airport in Gaziantep and I yell “what?”.  Where are you going?  My first thought was that he was flying home to his hometown for a visit with his father.  He tells me that he woke up and decided to come home to me for a visit. I almost fell to the floor. Shocked!!!!
He tells me that he will be here at nearly 9pm.  Again.. 9pm.   The thoughts of December come rushing back.  He tells me that he will come into Ataturk  airport only 10 minutes from our house. I say okay see you then.  No lesson.  This house is a mess.  Got to clean it.
Sure enough he is here. 945 pm.  Shocked and excited.  He is tired and just wants some bread and tea and sleep.  Anything for you my darling I say. (yeah yeah… a fool in love).
His birthday is Monday June 10.  I get him a small cake. He blows the candles.  He won’t tell me the wish.  Not sure he made one. Lol… only 2 days till my daughter comes.. excited.  Omg… my 2 loves…
On Wednesday I   go to the airport.  He offers to come with me.  I was really surprised by this. After her plane landed, it seemed to take forever for her to come thru the gate.  He was more excited than I was.  He saw her before I did and he has never seen her before.  But due to her green hair it was easy to see her I thought.  But he said that he knew it was her by looking at her.  She looks exactly like me only 15 years younger.  Lol
They meet and I almost tear her apart with a huge hug and tears.  He is smiling like a proud papa.  Strange….. We take the taxi home and she is amazed at it all. She is looking at him like what in the world is he saying.   Funny to me since I have learned a great deal of Turkish and can understand most of it.    The hilariousness between the two was out of this world. They both speak English but we are from the southern US.  So our accent is very thick.  I lost mine years ago due to moving around so much and having lived so many places but she had always lived in NC with my mom. I had to translate southern English into Turkish English and visa versa.  Until I couldn’t take it and told them to figure it out.  They got it.
It was a nice few day we all spent.  Going places and seeing things when we were all tougher. The day before he left to go back to Gaziantep he took us to the Blue Mosque.  It was nice to see it all. My daughter was amazed at the beauty of it all.  Happy, happy ,happy.. and then the thunderstorm hit.
On the way home she made a joke about “you be jelly’.. which I understood as “you are jealous of me” and he took offense to it.  Should have known.  He doesn’t get American slang.  Nor did he understand that she is an American teenager.  She is 15 years old.  You can’t get mad at a kid.  She only knows what she is near all the time.
He was very quiet on the way home on the train.  And when back in our neighborhood he said for us to go on that he wanted to go get some things before he went back.  I was heartbroken.  My daughter was in tears.  She asked me several times if he was angry with her.  I told her no but she is smart and she knew.  She went immediately to bed.  At 9pm.  Hurt, angry, upset, and mad as hell I tried to keep to myself calm when he came home.  The next morning my daughter did not come out of the room until noon.  She knew he would leave at 4 to go back.  She was trying to avoid him.   We ate all 3 of us in silence.  The tension so thick that one could cut it with a knife.
He took a nap and she went back to her room.  Time to go for him.  I was  almost happy   I wanted to spend time with my daughter in happiness.  She apologized to him for making him unhappy and thanked him for paying for her ticket to come over here.  He was so rude and said….” Whatever”.    I lost it.. I pulled him into our bedroom and scolded him like I never thought I would do.  My words were along the lines of she is a child and she is trying to say sorry to you and to say thank you for helping her to see a place that she knew nothing about and for letting her come see her mom and you are acting like a child yourself.  He was shocked that I spoke to him this way.  I asked him to swallow his pride  be nice to her for 5 minutes.  He obliged me and gave her a hug and he was gone. Again… almost glad.
My daughter had a wonderful vacation after that.  We went everywhere. She left 10 days later.  I needed a break.


The summer and a holiday trip??
After Ramazan I sent the man a note.  Asking if he would be interested in a short holiday trip for two to a beach town near Mersin.  His response… an immediate “yes” but “who is gonna pay for it?”.. lol  gotta love those Kurdish men.  Tight with the money. I will pay.  We plan the trip out.  I will fly into Adana and he will drive the 2 hours from Gaziantep to pick me up and we will then drive 2 more hours to our destination.  All sounds good.  “Be there at 1030am” I say.  He says “ok I will be there”.  I land early.  825am. Omg 2 hours to wait.. not a huge deal.. wrong.   It is hot as hell in Adana in September.  Like I was melting away.  He calls at 10 45am to say that he is just now in Adana and has no idea where the airport is.  Not mad.. slightly disgruntled I am.  I wait.  He calls 35 minutes later to say that he is 15 minutes away.   3 hours and 10 minutes I wait on this man.  And when he arrives he nearly hits me as I walk out to meet him near the curb.  I laugh and he simply says, ‘hi’ and hugs me.  Its May 19, 2012 all over again.  He sees the hilarity also and we both laugh.  Let’s go.. road trip.. best time.   Except that he is now a maniac driver and not the safe driver he used to be.  I am almost terrified but I trust him so I just look along the way and talk a bit and laugh with him.  Good time I see coming….
Get to the hotel.. and I am not the best hotel picker.  No tv.. yeah for me.  He loves the tv as to where I hate it.  But we will deal.  We learn that the beach is only a short 2 block walk.  We stroll down.  Lovely. Simple quiet little town. Lots of locals not too many foreigners or tourists. Perfect. 
We go back to the hotel.  Take a nap and then out to find some food.  Yum!    Sleepy time. The next day we travel down to Mersin to find some shoes and pants that I want.  Maniac driver again.  But fun. I get sick on the way back and he gets mad that I am sick.. it’s a moving too fast and radio too loud headache sick.  Will pass as soon as we are still. Still he is mad.  We take a walk and all is well again.  Saturday we learn that the Zeus temple is in the mountains nearby and we set out on a day long trip.  Little villages and farms along the way.  Things I had never seen.. goats by the roadside, pomegranates growing wild, old ruins of churches 2000 years old.  I was in love.  He seemed surprised to learn that I love this kind of thing.  He learned that many years before I wanted to be an archaeologist.  He was more shocked. We find the Zeus temple and spend hours there. Pictures and climbing things. It was perfect. Then a stop at a roadside place that appeared to be a house but was a restaurant .  We had goat.  I thought they were going to kill the little goat running around and he laughed at me so hard. It was not the best thing I had ever eaten but it was good. Always room for something new in life. Just try it.




Thursday, June 28, 2012

What to do now??

Here I am in the 4th week of my move to Turkey.  I spend a lot of time alone. Yes it is true that he is out looking for  a job, but at the same time, when he is here, I am still alone.
This is the tale-tell sign that it might have been the biggest blunder of my life to come here.
While its true that as many American women do, I came here for a man, but in the meantime I am attempting to teach.  There are so many that want to prefect their English, yet they think that they can learn it in a two hour lesson.  And then there are those that think they are perfect because they paid copious amounts of money to go to one of the numerous language schools here. I have found that those schools care about the money not the person and what they teach them.  I hear and see the example of the failure of the language school system every day. I live with it.
At any rate, I feel him slipping away. And honestly it gets harder each day to look at him.  Sometimes I think to myself what a shame it is that he is scared to be loved, what a pity it is that he doesn't know how to turn his back on "culture" and "tradition" and go for LOVE.  It is looking him right in the face. However, his love of culture and tradition keep him blinded and honestly there is little hope that he will change. So that leaves me in a bind.. Do I change for him?  Do I give up the life that I have lived for 37 years and convert my mind and soul to be the kind of woman he thinks he wants? Or do I just go on being me?  After all, he wanted an American woman, and he asked for an American woman.  He had to know that even with the things I am willing to do and give up, that I could not change in an instant. What to do...
I am not saying that its the right thing to do because we all know that love is not judgmental and that love is kind, but love is also not suppose to hurt and nor is it suppose to suppress one of the mates.
But is love in this society different than that of America?  Is love here a woman sitting alone at home and cleaning and cooking and then feeding the man and then again being alone with him sitting 9 inches away? Is love the occasional " can we mate?" that means " I want to have sex.  I dont care if you want to or not, and I dont care about being close after its done.. I am the man and I want what I want.  You are a woman and you have to do as I say"??
Not in my opinion.  At this point I can see it clearly.. its not love.
It's lust for something different to him.  Sadly I am paying with heart.
I am paying with sanity.  I am paying with my morals and my values.
I am paying with my soul.  My soul that is being torn out bit by bit and he does not even see that he is killing me inside.  And I really dont think he cares.
\
Or does he?  He is still here.  He could have left so many times.  He does not have to come home. SO maybe he cares but he is scared to fall in love.  He is scared to love because he knows that its not socially acceptable for him to be with an American woman that has children and never married.

He is missing what has been handed to him on a silver platter and laid out for him to have for all his life.  He is willing to let it all go to save
tradition".  I see this happening so many times with middle easterners.  they love the women of the USA but they cant have those women for fear of being chastised by the family and community.  SO they let go of what feels right to them and they marry women that fit the mold of what culture says that they should look for. These men marry women that are going to bear them child after child and stay in the home and work this man to death.  These women are programmed to do this.  They look for men that have great jobs and for the men that will let them stay home barefoot and pregnant year after year.  And they say that the US is out of control. Its high time that these men start looking at themselves and tell the family to accept what they feel and take that plunge and marry that American woman. Be happy, not just a money maker and sperm donor.  Be free,  Be loved.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

take time to learn

Taking time to learn is the hardest thing for me.  I hate to know the ending before the show even starts. But yeah I see it coming.
And well, I got told it was coming.  He lost his job last week. I was very worried for him. I still am worried for him.  But he is smart and well rounded, he will find another job soon.

As for the end.. we were sitting down for the nightly meal and he tells me that my actions are not good.  He continues to tell me that he couldn't go on like this.  He talked with his uncle, who I thought was a great ally of mine in this, and his uncle tells him that his father does not want him to go to the US.  Nor does his uncle. He tells me that his uncle said to him that he needs to think about a wife and his child.  WHAT CHILD!?
OMG IS HE MARRIED WITH KIDS?

No he is not. the thought was that he needed to think about having kids.  Its culture here to have kids and many of them. Funny thing, if he asked me, hell to the yes I would have one for him. No questions asked, no words spoken. So he tells me that his US dream is done. He goes on to say that in 3 months he wont be a part of my life anymore. I am dying inside.

He proceeds to tell me that he will go to Gazinatepe in a few weeks for a job interview. Its a friend apparently. NOT a good idea.  Its not a job, its a hand out that he will be overworked for and likely treated badly at. This is what happens when you work for family or friends.

Dead inside. what can I do?  Its over now. Should just go back to the simple life of nothing back in small town USA.

Wait!  I am fighter.  I have always fought for what I wanted.  And I want this man.

Am I strong enough to do it?

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Is this it??

Is this it?  Is this what I came for?  A life of sitting at home and being hidden from the crowds?  I am in a city with 15 million people and I have managed to see maybe 500.  Not due to my lack of wanting to see the city, but due to the lack of this man not wanting to do anything other than sit here.
I can't take it.  If all he wants is a greencard, then lets go.  You don't have to stand close to me.  You don't even have to walk on the same side of the street.  But atleast let me out of here.

The days are long and hot. As of now, we have been out to Migros (the grocery store) the small market next to the apartment, and to his uncles shop. Nice man, btw.  But other than that, we went to Taksim. Took the metro.  It was scary as hell. Not like the ones in LA or NYC.  Met with his friend, Banjamin.  Seems kinda weird to me.  I can tell that his first thought was OMG.. he was laughing at IC on the inside.  And sadly I can't understand the language so I had no idea what was being said.   Likely things that I did not want to hear.  I mean really?  Who wants to hear others talk badly about them. then again, who wants to sit idly by and know that others are speaking badly about them.

FUCK!! I want to go the hell home! This was the biggest mistake of my life.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

first week with the Kurdish man

What can I say about the love of a Kurdish man?  he may not "love" me but he likes me. I am not sure if it is because we are "friends" or because he knows that he has found a good person that is willing to do something out of the ordinary for him.  Or is it because he wants to feel more? Can he?

The day of my arrival, we drove to the apartment.  It seemed to take forever. Likely because I was so tired. But once at the location of the apartment, I was in shock.  The neighborhood is not that great.  The building is old and the area around is less than desirable. What will I find inside??

I knew that many of the buildings here had stores on the lower floor with apartments on the upper floors but this could not have been more of a chance... there is a pet store right in the building with the apartment. How great this is for Whiskers.  Got her some things.. food, litter, pan.  She will be a happy girl.  He paid. Did he feel like he had to?  She is mine, I should have and I tried but he would not hear of it. :)

Into the building.  Well at least there is a security door that you need a key to get into it with.  This is good. A few steps to go up and an elevator as  he tells me that its on the 4th floor.  The elevator is small but big enough for me, him, and the cat carrier.  Up we went.

Landing on 4th floor showed me two apartments. He unlocked the door and in we went.  It was not bad at all. Actually it was nice. Very clean and the furniture was nice.  The first thing I had to see was the bathroom.  It was normal American.  lol

We settled in and we talked a bit. The convo was half hearted as we both were thinking things and emotions were running high.  And then the first kiss happened.

Sweet iced tea.. it was magical.  More than I had expected.  The passion he kissed with.  The want in his touch.  And good Lord after long months of nothing and then this magnificent creature coming at me.. I must have died and gone to heaven.  Sweet marmalade he takes my breath away.  He takes his time to kiss and they are the kisses that make a woman melt like butter in a mans hands.  He knows what he is doing and he knows what he wants.

May 20, My birthday. He went out to get me a ladybug cake.  So sweet of him.  he took me to get new clothes as he said that my clothes were not acceptable and that he did not want men looking at me.  Is this a sign of him caring about me>?  He does not want other men to see me?? Is he trying to hide my fat from the world or is he trying to hide what is his from the world?  Is he trying to protect his belongings?  maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Monday, 21, He went to work.  I am here alone. The elec went out.  I went to turn it on and got locked out. I freaked out but the old lady next door helped me to unlock the door.  She was super sweet.
He must have called me 5 times in the day, seems so worried about me.  I do love this man.  But I cant tell him.  What will he say?  How will he react?

Thursday, 24, He is at work.  I am alone.  The weather is hot.  It makes one want the comfort of the man she loves. I cant wait til that creature comes home. Sadly, I don't feel like he is thinking the same.  He seems to come later and later each day.  Is he telling me something? Is he avoiding me?  I think we all know the answer there.

Saturday, 26, He is at work again.  I need this time to reflect on what it is that I want.  What it is that I will do here.  I want to do this course, but really the money issue.  I could ask him for it (as I am sure that he would give it to me) but I cant do it. I can't ask him for anything.  I have to remember that I am here for him to do a "job" and to then get on with my life.  I can't borrow anything from him as I don't want to have to repay him.  It's not his responsibility to take care of me. He will be home soon.  Only a half day at work.  What is going to be tonight?  The same? Sitting here being hidden away from the world?  Being looked at with shame and disparaging thoughts? Really I should be looking for a ticket home. I dont think he would care. I have a feeling that this is going to go bad and soon.  Sometimes you can look at a person and know what he/she is thinking. And looking at him, it is not good. Not good at all.

Monday, May 21, 2012

The meeting....

I walked through the gate with my cart overloaded with luggage and a cat.  Hundreds of people waiting for their loved ones.  I did a quick scan and half way down the line.. there he was.  Just like on video. A bit taller than I had thought, but a tall, dark, knight in shinning armor. The man I had come here for.

He noticed me as fast.  He turned from the line and I almost fell to the floor.  He saw me and he was leaving with out me. OMG!

Then as I moved closer to the end of the walkway, I watched him walk past me. He wasn't leaving, he was coming to me. But was it because he wanted to or because he felt obligated to?
He turned and saw me and came to me. His first words were "Hi".  Ahhh that accent.  Those lips.  My heart is melting and my knees are weak.

His embrace was warm and comforting, but not loving.  This is exactly what it is.  A marriage for a green-card.  No love.  No emotions.  My heart was broken.  I dont think that I will ever love again.
He said some things but honestly I dont know what he said.  I was so relieved that he did not tell me to go back that I didn't hear him.  But still I could hear the question in his voice asking himself , " why did I chose her? Why does she have to be this big? How am I suppose to to do anything with a woman this big?  I can never show her to my family or friends."  It was there.  Maybe that is why I didn't hear what he said.

And all the weeks of not smoking and telling myself that I would not smoke were gone.  I was only doing it for him. Outside, I asked him if he had a lighter, and he gave me one and I smoked. Why should I do something for someone who is obviously repulsed by me?  I am here to do a job and then get on with my life. Although he will always be the one that I would change anything for.  He will always be the one that I will love.  There will be no more.  I am to broken to try.  This is the one that was made for me. But he does not want me....