I walked through the gate with my cart overloaded with luggage and a cat. Hundreds of people waiting for their loved ones. I did a quick scan and half way down the line.. there he was. Just like on video. A bit taller than I had thought, but a tall, dark, knight in shinning armor. The man I had come here for.
He noticed me as fast. He turned from the line and I almost fell to the floor. He saw me and he was leaving with out me. OMG!
Then as I moved closer to the end of the walkway, I watched him walk past me. He wasn't leaving, he was coming to me. But was it because he wanted to or because he felt obligated to?
He turned and saw me and came to me. His first words were "Hi". Ahhh that accent. Those lips. My heart is melting and my knees are weak.
His embrace was warm and comforting, but not loving. This is exactly what it is. A marriage for a green-card. No love. No emotions. My heart was broken. I dont think that I will ever love again.
He said some things but honestly I dont know what he said. I was so relieved that he did not tell me to go back that I didn't hear him. But still I could hear the question in his voice asking himself , " why did I chose her? Why does she have to be this big? How am I suppose to to do anything with a woman this big? I can never show her to my family or friends." It was there. Maybe that is why I didn't hear what he said.
And all the weeks of not smoking and telling myself that I would not smoke were gone. I was only doing it for him. Outside, I asked him if he had a lighter, and he gave me one and I smoked. Why should I do something for someone who is obviously repulsed by me? I am here to do a job and then get on with my life. Although he will always be the one that I would change anything for. He will always be the one that I will love. There will be no more. I am to broken to try. This is the one that was made for me. But he does not want me....
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Arriving into the arms of a Kurdish man
May 19. Landed in Istanbul a few minutes ago. Nervous. Scared. What will he think? What will I think of the man that I am in love with? Will we hate one another? OMG!!!
Made it through customs. Got the cat and my luggage. Sitting here now wondering why I am still waiting. I should be going through those doors. I should be going to see this man. Will I know him when I see him?
I am sure that I will know him. I have seen him almost every day for the last 5 months.
I am here now and there is no going back.
It's now or never. And just like that I hear on the loudspeaker the airport people calling my name... "Kimberly Haislip please meet your party at the meeting point 1".
He wants me to come through those doors. But I am not ready. Again, nervous. I think I will wait a few more minutes. Go freshen up the makeup and straighten the clothes, not that it matters when you are as big as a house and you are feeling like you are the most gigantic person here. OMG.. that is what he is going to think.
Can I get a ticket out of here? I want to go back. This was a huge mistake. I dont belong here. What have I done???
Again, the loudspeaker. Calling my name.. It's like a beckoning death call. Calling me to my emotional death. A mirror showing me the falling pieces of my heart when he sees me for the first time and is completely and utterly disgusted by me.
Someone get me out of here!!!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Not looking for love--finding it online
Love and a Kurdish man. What does it take to love a Kurdish man with values and views so different from those that you are accustomed to? How do you withstand the pressures of his culture and try to be the best that you can be and be the star in his eye?
Falling in love for some is easy. For others it is nearly impossible. I tend to be the latter. I have truly loved one person in my lifetime, and when our time was finished, I went for years wandering around mindlessly and hopelessly thinking that I would never be able to love another man. And then it happened. There it was... a chat message from a man in Turkiye. He has found me through Mylanguageexchange.com.
I ignored him at first. And then another note came. I replied. We chatted a few times but I wasn't looking for anyone at that time. I just wanted a friend. The turning point was when he asked me if he could video chat me.
I know that the old saying "it was love at first sight" is so cliche, but it happened. I did not even see it coming. I was looking for a friend. Someone to learn Turkish from. Once I accepted the video chat and I saw those dark brown eyes, that golden brown skin, and that jet black hair, I knew that this was the man that I wanted. I knew that this was the man that I had waited so long for.
Over the weeks we chatted and here and there he taught me a few Turkish words, he learned more English than I did Turkish, and we soon were talking to one another every day.
I would fall asleep with my computer open so that I could hear when he came online so that I did not miss him. (How is for wanting someone?)
Then it happened. He asked me what it would take for him to come to the US. I was floored. All the hopes that he cared were gone. He saw the hurt on my face, in my eyes. But I stood tall and told him what he wanted to know. He asked me if I would come here and marry him so that he could go to the US. I said yes. So the plans started to not visit Turkiye, but to move there and to go through with this marriage and get the papers and bring him back to the US.
Over the months, we seemed to grow closer. Or at least I thought we were. Sometimes he would say things that made me think that he wanted to be with me as more than a "green-card wife" and then other times he would flat out tell me that this is all he wanted.
So again, I stood tall and kept my promise to him. I would go and do this because I made a promise to him and I dont break my promises.
The month that I was to leave the US came and he found an apartment for us. He seemed to stress so much on my comfort and my needs. All the while he had no idea that I was stressing that he was going to hate me because of my size, I am a big woman, and that he was going to leave me at this apartment and go off to his family home and this was all for show. The fear that consumed me was almost too much to take. I cried many nights, and I was sick so much that I almost cancelled the whole thing several times.
May 18 I left home for a new life and to become a "green-card wife".
One of the most hated things in the US. Many say what kind of woman does this.. That is a simple answer.. a woman that loves a man so much that she is willing to do anything for him to show her love.
Falling in love for some is easy. For others it is nearly impossible. I tend to be the latter. I have truly loved one person in my lifetime, and when our time was finished, I went for years wandering around mindlessly and hopelessly thinking that I would never be able to love another man. And then it happened. There it was... a chat message from a man in Turkiye. He has found me through Mylanguageexchange.com.
I ignored him at first. And then another note came. I replied. We chatted a few times but I wasn't looking for anyone at that time. I just wanted a friend. The turning point was when he asked me if he could video chat me.
I know that the old saying "it was love at first sight" is so cliche, but it happened. I did not even see it coming. I was looking for a friend. Someone to learn Turkish from. Once I accepted the video chat and I saw those dark brown eyes, that golden brown skin, and that jet black hair, I knew that this was the man that I wanted. I knew that this was the man that I had waited so long for.
Over the weeks we chatted and here and there he taught me a few Turkish words, he learned more English than I did Turkish, and we soon were talking to one another every day.
I would fall asleep with my computer open so that I could hear when he came online so that I did not miss him. (How is for wanting someone?)
Then it happened. He asked me what it would take for him to come to the US. I was floored. All the hopes that he cared were gone. He saw the hurt on my face, in my eyes. But I stood tall and told him what he wanted to know. He asked me if I would come here and marry him so that he could go to the US. I said yes. So the plans started to not visit Turkiye, but to move there and to go through with this marriage and get the papers and bring him back to the US.
Over the months, we seemed to grow closer. Or at least I thought we were. Sometimes he would say things that made me think that he wanted to be with me as more than a "green-card wife" and then other times he would flat out tell me that this is all he wanted.
So again, I stood tall and kept my promise to him. I would go and do this because I made a promise to him and I dont break my promises.
The month that I was to leave the US came and he found an apartment for us. He seemed to stress so much on my comfort and my needs. All the while he had no idea that I was stressing that he was going to hate me because of my size, I am a big woman, and that he was going to leave me at this apartment and go off to his family home and this was all for show. The fear that consumed me was almost too much to take. I cried many nights, and I was sick so much that I almost cancelled the whole thing several times.
May 18 I left home for a new life and to become a "green-card wife".
One of the most hated things in the US. Many say what kind of woman does this.. That is a simple answer.. a woman that loves a man so much that she is willing to do anything for him to show her love.
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