Here I am in the 4th week of my move to Turkey. I spend a lot of time alone. Yes it is true that he is out looking for a job, but at the same time, when he is here, I am still alone.
This is the tale-tell sign that it might have been the biggest blunder of my life to come here.
While its true that as many American women do, I came here for a man, but in the meantime I am attempting to teach. There are so many that want to prefect their English, yet they think that they can learn it in a two hour lesson. And then there are those that think they are perfect because they paid copious amounts of money to go to one of the numerous language schools here. I have found that those schools care about the money not the person and what they teach them. I hear and see the example of the failure of the language school system every day. I live with it.
At any rate, I feel him slipping away. And honestly it gets harder each day to look at him. Sometimes I think to myself what a shame it is that he is scared to be loved, what a pity it is that he doesn't know how to turn his back on "culture" and "tradition" and go for LOVE. It is looking him right in the face. However, his love of culture and tradition keep him blinded and honestly there is little hope that he will change. So that leaves me in a bind.. Do I change for him? Do I give up the life that I have lived for 37 years and convert my mind and soul to be the kind of woman he thinks he wants? Or do I just go on being me? After all, he wanted an American woman, and he asked for an American woman. He had to know that even with the things I am willing to do and give up, that I could not change in an instant. What to do...
I am not saying that its the right thing to do because we all know that love is not judgmental and that love is kind, but love is also not suppose to hurt and nor is it suppose to suppress one of the mates.
But is love in this society different than that of America? Is love here a woman sitting alone at home and cleaning and cooking and then feeding the man and then again being alone with him sitting 9 inches away? Is love the occasional " can we mate?" that means " I want to have sex. I dont care if you want to or not, and I dont care about being close after its done.. I am the man and I want what I want. You are a woman and you have to do as I say"??
Not in my opinion. At this point I can see it clearly.. its not love.
It's lust for something different to him. Sadly I am paying with heart.
I am paying with sanity. I am paying with my morals and my values.
I am paying with my soul. My soul that is being torn out bit by bit and he does not even see that he is killing me inside. And I really dont think he cares.
\
Or does he? He is still here. He could have left so many times. He does not have to come home. SO maybe he cares but he is scared to fall in love. He is scared to love because he knows that its not socially acceptable for him to be with an American woman that has children and never married.
He is missing what has been handed to him on a silver platter and laid out for him to have for all his life. He is willing to let it all go to save
tradition". I see this happening so many times with middle easterners. they love the women of the USA but they cant have those women for fear of being chastised by the family and community. SO they let go of what feels right to them and they marry women that fit the mold of what culture says that they should look for. These men marry women that are going to bear them child after child and stay in the home and work this man to death. These women are programmed to do this. They look for men that have great jobs and for the men that will let them stay home barefoot and pregnant year after year. And they say that the US is out of control. Its high time that these men start looking at themselves and tell the family to accept what they feel and take that plunge and marry that American woman. Be happy, not just a money maker and sperm donor. Be free, Be loved.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
take time to learn
Taking time to learn is the hardest thing for me. I hate to know the ending before the show even starts. But yeah I see it coming.
And well, I got told it was coming. He lost his job last week. I was very worried for him. I still am worried for him. But he is smart and well rounded, he will find another job soon.
As for the end.. we were sitting down for the nightly meal and he tells me that my actions are not good. He continues to tell me that he couldn't go on like this. He talked with his uncle, who I thought was a great ally of mine in this, and his uncle tells him that his father does not want him to go to the US. Nor does his uncle. He tells me that his uncle said to him that he needs to think about a wife and his child. WHAT CHILD!?
OMG IS HE MARRIED WITH KIDS?
No he is not. the thought was that he needed to think about having kids. Its culture here to have kids and many of them. Funny thing, if he asked me, hell to the yes I would have one for him. No questions asked, no words spoken. So he tells me that his US dream is done. He goes on to say that in 3 months he wont be a part of my life anymore. I am dying inside.
He proceeds to tell me that he will go to Gazinatepe in a few weeks for a job interview. Its a friend apparently. NOT a good idea. Its not a job, its a hand out that he will be overworked for and likely treated badly at. This is what happens when you work for family or friends.
Dead inside. what can I do? Its over now. Should just go back to the simple life of nothing back in small town USA.
Wait! I am fighter. I have always fought for what I wanted. And I want this man.
Am I strong enough to do it?
And well, I got told it was coming. He lost his job last week. I was very worried for him. I still am worried for him. But he is smart and well rounded, he will find another job soon.
As for the end.. we were sitting down for the nightly meal and he tells me that my actions are not good. He continues to tell me that he couldn't go on like this. He talked with his uncle, who I thought was a great ally of mine in this, and his uncle tells him that his father does not want him to go to the US. Nor does his uncle. He tells me that his uncle said to him that he needs to think about a wife and his child. WHAT CHILD!?
OMG IS HE MARRIED WITH KIDS?
No he is not. the thought was that he needed to think about having kids. Its culture here to have kids and many of them. Funny thing, if he asked me, hell to the yes I would have one for him. No questions asked, no words spoken. So he tells me that his US dream is done. He goes on to say that in 3 months he wont be a part of my life anymore. I am dying inside.
He proceeds to tell me that he will go to Gazinatepe in a few weeks for a job interview. Its a friend apparently. NOT a good idea. Its not a job, its a hand out that he will be overworked for and likely treated badly at. This is what happens when you work for family or friends.
Dead inside. what can I do? Its over now. Should just go back to the simple life of nothing back in small town USA.
Wait! I am fighter. I have always fought for what I wanted. And I want this man.
Am I strong enough to do it?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Is this it??
Is this it? Is this what I came for? A life of sitting at home and being hidden from the crowds? I am in a city with 15 million people and I have managed to see maybe 500. Not due to my lack of wanting to see the city, but due to the lack of this man not wanting to do anything other than sit here.
I can't take it. If all he wants is a greencard, then lets go. You don't have to stand close to me. You don't even have to walk on the same side of the street. But atleast let me out of here.
The days are long and hot. As of now, we have been out to Migros (the grocery store) the small market next to the apartment, and to his uncles shop. Nice man, btw. But other than that, we went to Taksim. Took the metro. It was scary as hell. Not like the ones in LA or NYC. Met with his friend, Banjamin. Seems kinda weird to me. I can tell that his first thought was OMG.. he was laughing at IC on the inside. And sadly I can't understand the language so I had no idea what was being said. Likely things that I did not want to hear. I mean really? Who wants to hear others talk badly about them. then again, who wants to sit idly by and know that others are speaking badly about them.
FUCK!! I want to go the hell home! This was the biggest mistake of my life.
I can't take it. If all he wants is a greencard, then lets go. You don't have to stand close to me. You don't even have to walk on the same side of the street. But atleast let me out of here.
The days are long and hot. As of now, we have been out to Migros (the grocery store) the small market next to the apartment, and to his uncles shop. Nice man, btw. But other than that, we went to Taksim. Took the metro. It was scary as hell. Not like the ones in LA or NYC. Met with his friend, Banjamin. Seems kinda weird to me. I can tell that his first thought was OMG.. he was laughing at IC on the inside. And sadly I can't understand the language so I had no idea what was being said. Likely things that I did not want to hear. I mean really? Who wants to hear others talk badly about them. then again, who wants to sit idly by and know that others are speaking badly about them.
FUCK!! I want to go the hell home! This was the biggest mistake of my life.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
first week with the Kurdish man
What can I say about the love of a Kurdish man? he may not "love" me but he likes me. I am not sure if it is because we are "friends" or because he knows that he has found a good person that is willing to do something out of the ordinary for him. Or is it because he wants to feel more? Can he?
The day of my arrival, we drove to the apartment. It seemed to take forever. Likely because I was so tired. But once at the location of the apartment, I was in shock. The neighborhood is not that great. The building is old and the area around is less than desirable. What will I find inside??
I knew that many of the buildings here had stores on the lower floor with apartments on the upper floors but this could not have been more of a chance... there is a pet store right in the building with the apartment. How great this is for Whiskers. Got her some things.. food, litter, pan. She will be a happy girl. He paid. Did he feel like he had to? She is mine, I should have and I tried but he would not hear of it. :)
Into the building. Well at least there is a security door that you need a key to get into it with. This is good. A few steps to go up and an elevator as he tells me that its on the 4th floor. The elevator is small but big enough for me, him, and the cat carrier. Up we went.
Landing on 4th floor showed me two apartments. He unlocked the door and in we went. It was not bad at all. Actually it was nice. Very clean and the furniture was nice. The first thing I had to see was the bathroom. It was normal American. lol
We settled in and we talked a bit. The convo was half hearted as we both were thinking things and emotions were running high. And then the first kiss happened.
Sweet iced tea.. it was magical. More than I had expected. The passion he kissed with. The want in his touch. And good Lord after long months of nothing and then this magnificent creature coming at me.. I must have died and gone to heaven. Sweet marmalade he takes my breath away. He takes his time to kiss and they are the kisses that make a woman melt like butter in a mans hands. He knows what he is doing and he knows what he wants.
May 20, My birthday. He went out to get me a ladybug cake. So sweet of him. he took me to get new clothes as he said that my clothes were not acceptable and that he did not want men looking at me. Is this a sign of him caring about me>? He does not want other men to see me?? Is he trying to hide my fat from the world or is he trying to hide what is his from the world? Is he trying to protect his belongings? maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Monday, 21, He went to work. I am here alone. The elec went out. I went to turn it on and got locked out. I freaked out but the old lady next door helped me to unlock the door. She was super sweet.
He must have called me 5 times in the day, seems so worried about me. I do love this man. But I cant tell him. What will he say? How will he react?
Thursday, 24, He is at work. I am alone. The weather is hot. It makes one want the comfort of the man she loves. I cant wait til that creature comes home. Sadly, I don't feel like he is thinking the same. He seems to come later and later each day. Is he telling me something? Is he avoiding me? I think we all know the answer there.
Saturday, 26, He is at work again. I need this time to reflect on what it is that I want. What it is that I will do here. I want to do this course, but really the money issue. I could ask him for it (as I am sure that he would give it to me) but I cant do it. I can't ask him for anything. I have to remember that I am here for him to do a "job" and to then get on with my life. I can't borrow anything from him as I don't want to have to repay him. It's not his responsibility to take care of me. He will be home soon. Only a half day at work. What is going to be tonight? The same? Sitting here being hidden away from the world? Being looked at with shame and disparaging thoughts? Really I should be looking for a ticket home. I dont think he would care. I have a feeling that this is going to go bad and soon. Sometimes you can look at a person and know what he/she is thinking. And looking at him, it is not good. Not good at all.
The day of my arrival, we drove to the apartment. It seemed to take forever. Likely because I was so tired. But once at the location of the apartment, I was in shock. The neighborhood is not that great. The building is old and the area around is less than desirable. What will I find inside??
I knew that many of the buildings here had stores on the lower floor with apartments on the upper floors but this could not have been more of a chance... there is a pet store right in the building with the apartment. How great this is for Whiskers. Got her some things.. food, litter, pan. She will be a happy girl. He paid. Did he feel like he had to? She is mine, I should have and I tried but he would not hear of it. :)
Into the building. Well at least there is a security door that you need a key to get into it with. This is good. A few steps to go up and an elevator as he tells me that its on the 4th floor. The elevator is small but big enough for me, him, and the cat carrier. Up we went.
Landing on 4th floor showed me two apartments. He unlocked the door and in we went. It was not bad at all. Actually it was nice. Very clean and the furniture was nice. The first thing I had to see was the bathroom. It was normal American. lol
We settled in and we talked a bit. The convo was half hearted as we both were thinking things and emotions were running high. And then the first kiss happened.
Sweet iced tea.. it was magical. More than I had expected. The passion he kissed with. The want in his touch. And good Lord after long months of nothing and then this magnificent creature coming at me.. I must have died and gone to heaven. Sweet marmalade he takes my breath away. He takes his time to kiss and they are the kisses that make a woman melt like butter in a mans hands. He knows what he is doing and he knows what he wants.
May 20, My birthday. He went out to get me a ladybug cake. So sweet of him. he took me to get new clothes as he said that my clothes were not acceptable and that he did not want men looking at me. Is this a sign of him caring about me>? He does not want other men to see me?? Is he trying to hide my fat from the world or is he trying to hide what is his from the world? Is he trying to protect his belongings? maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Monday, 21, He went to work. I am here alone. The elec went out. I went to turn it on and got locked out. I freaked out but the old lady next door helped me to unlock the door. She was super sweet.
He must have called me 5 times in the day, seems so worried about me. I do love this man. But I cant tell him. What will he say? How will he react?
Thursday, 24, He is at work. I am alone. The weather is hot. It makes one want the comfort of the man she loves. I cant wait til that creature comes home. Sadly, I don't feel like he is thinking the same. He seems to come later and later each day. Is he telling me something? Is he avoiding me? I think we all know the answer there.
Saturday, 26, He is at work again. I need this time to reflect on what it is that I want. What it is that I will do here. I want to do this course, but really the money issue. I could ask him for it (as I am sure that he would give it to me) but I cant do it. I can't ask him for anything. I have to remember that I am here for him to do a "job" and to then get on with my life. I can't borrow anything from him as I don't want to have to repay him. It's not his responsibility to take care of me. He will be home soon. Only a half day at work. What is going to be tonight? The same? Sitting here being hidden away from the world? Being looked at with shame and disparaging thoughts? Really I should be looking for a ticket home. I dont think he would care. I have a feeling that this is going to go bad and soon. Sometimes you can look at a person and know what he/she is thinking. And looking at him, it is not good. Not good at all.
Monday, May 21, 2012
The meeting....
I walked through the gate with my cart overloaded with luggage and a cat. Hundreds of people waiting for their loved ones. I did a quick scan and half way down the line.. there he was. Just like on video. A bit taller than I had thought, but a tall, dark, knight in shinning armor. The man I had come here for.
He noticed me as fast. He turned from the line and I almost fell to the floor. He saw me and he was leaving with out me. OMG!
Then as I moved closer to the end of the walkway, I watched him walk past me. He wasn't leaving, he was coming to me. But was it because he wanted to or because he felt obligated to?
He turned and saw me and came to me. His first words were "Hi". Ahhh that accent. Those lips. My heart is melting and my knees are weak.
His embrace was warm and comforting, but not loving. This is exactly what it is. A marriage for a green-card. No love. No emotions. My heart was broken. I dont think that I will ever love again.
He said some things but honestly I dont know what he said. I was so relieved that he did not tell me to go back that I didn't hear him. But still I could hear the question in his voice asking himself , " why did I chose her? Why does she have to be this big? How am I suppose to to do anything with a woman this big? I can never show her to my family or friends." It was there. Maybe that is why I didn't hear what he said.
And all the weeks of not smoking and telling myself that I would not smoke were gone. I was only doing it for him. Outside, I asked him if he had a lighter, and he gave me one and I smoked. Why should I do something for someone who is obviously repulsed by me? I am here to do a job and then get on with my life. Although he will always be the one that I would change anything for. He will always be the one that I will love. There will be no more. I am to broken to try. This is the one that was made for me. But he does not want me....
He noticed me as fast. He turned from the line and I almost fell to the floor. He saw me and he was leaving with out me. OMG!
Then as I moved closer to the end of the walkway, I watched him walk past me. He wasn't leaving, he was coming to me. But was it because he wanted to or because he felt obligated to?
He turned and saw me and came to me. His first words were "Hi". Ahhh that accent. Those lips. My heart is melting and my knees are weak.
His embrace was warm and comforting, but not loving. This is exactly what it is. A marriage for a green-card. No love. No emotions. My heart was broken. I dont think that I will ever love again.
He said some things but honestly I dont know what he said. I was so relieved that he did not tell me to go back that I didn't hear him. But still I could hear the question in his voice asking himself , " why did I chose her? Why does she have to be this big? How am I suppose to to do anything with a woman this big? I can never show her to my family or friends." It was there. Maybe that is why I didn't hear what he said.
And all the weeks of not smoking and telling myself that I would not smoke were gone. I was only doing it for him. Outside, I asked him if he had a lighter, and he gave me one and I smoked. Why should I do something for someone who is obviously repulsed by me? I am here to do a job and then get on with my life. Although he will always be the one that I would change anything for. He will always be the one that I will love. There will be no more. I am to broken to try. This is the one that was made for me. But he does not want me....
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Arriving into the arms of a Kurdish man
May 19. Landed in Istanbul a few minutes ago. Nervous. Scared. What will he think? What will I think of the man that I am in love with? Will we hate one another? OMG!!!
Made it through customs. Got the cat and my luggage. Sitting here now wondering why I am still waiting. I should be going through those doors. I should be going to see this man. Will I know him when I see him?
I am sure that I will know him. I have seen him almost every day for the last 5 months.
I am here now and there is no going back.
It's now or never. And just like that I hear on the loudspeaker the airport people calling my name... "Kimberly Haislip please meet your party at the meeting point 1".
He wants me to come through those doors. But I am not ready. Again, nervous. I think I will wait a few more minutes. Go freshen up the makeup and straighten the clothes, not that it matters when you are as big as a house and you are feeling like you are the most gigantic person here. OMG.. that is what he is going to think.
Can I get a ticket out of here? I want to go back. This was a huge mistake. I dont belong here. What have I done???
Again, the loudspeaker. Calling my name.. It's like a beckoning death call. Calling me to my emotional death. A mirror showing me the falling pieces of my heart when he sees me for the first time and is completely and utterly disgusted by me.
Someone get me out of here!!!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Not looking for love--finding it online
Love and a Kurdish man. What does it take to love a Kurdish man with values and views so different from those that you are accustomed to? How do you withstand the pressures of his culture and try to be the best that you can be and be the star in his eye?
Falling in love for some is easy. For others it is nearly impossible. I tend to be the latter. I have truly loved one person in my lifetime, and when our time was finished, I went for years wandering around mindlessly and hopelessly thinking that I would never be able to love another man. And then it happened. There it was... a chat message from a man in Turkiye. He has found me through Mylanguageexchange.com.
I ignored him at first. And then another note came. I replied. We chatted a few times but I wasn't looking for anyone at that time. I just wanted a friend. The turning point was when he asked me if he could video chat me.
I know that the old saying "it was love at first sight" is so cliche, but it happened. I did not even see it coming. I was looking for a friend. Someone to learn Turkish from. Once I accepted the video chat and I saw those dark brown eyes, that golden brown skin, and that jet black hair, I knew that this was the man that I wanted. I knew that this was the man that I had waited so long for.
Over the weeks we chatted and here and there he taught me a few Turkish words, he learned more English than I did Turkish, and we soon were talking to one another every day.
I would fall asleep with my computer open so that I could hear when he came online so that I did not miss him. (How is for wanting someone?)
Then it happened. He asked me what it would take for him to come to the US. I was floored. All the hopes that he cared were gone. He saw the hurt on my face, in my eyes. But I stood tall and told him what he wanted to know. He asked me if I would come here and marry him so that he could go to the US. I said yes. So the plans started to not visit Turkiye, but to move there and to go through with this marriage and get the papers and bring him back to the US.
Over the months, we seemed to grow closer. Or at least I thought we were. Sometimes he would say things that made me think that he wanted to be with me as more than a "green-card wife" and then other times he would flat out tell me that this is all he wanted.
So again, I stood tall and kept my promise to him. I would go and do this because I made a promise to him and I dont break my promises.
The month that I was to leave the US came and he found an apartment for us. He seemed to stress so much on my comfort and my needs. All the while he had no idea that I was stressing that he was going to hate me because of my size, I am a big woman, and that he was going to leave me at this apartment and go off to his family home and this was all for show. The fear that consumed me was almost too much to take. I cried many nights, and I was sick so much that I almost cancelled the whole thing several times.
May 18 I left home for a new life and to become a "green-card wife".
One of the most hated things in the US. Many say what kind of woman does this.. That is a simple answer.. a woman that loves a man so much that she is willing to do anything for him to show her love.
Falling in love for some is easy. For others it is nearly impossible. I tend to be the latter. I have truly loved one person in my lifetime, and when our time was finished, I went for years wandering around mindlessly and hopelessly thinking that I would never be able to love another man. And then it happened. There it was... a chat message from a man in Turkiye. He has found me through Mylanguageexchange.com.
I ignored him at first. And then another note came. I replied. We chatted a few times but I wasn't looking for anyone at that time. I just wanted a friend. The turning point was when he asked me if he could video chat me.
I know that the old saying "it was love at first sight" is so cliche, but it happened. I did not even see it coming. I was looking for a friend. Someone to learn Turkish from. Once I accepted the video chat and I saw those dark brown eyes, that golden brown skin, and that jet black hair, I knew that this was the man that I wanted. I knew that this was the man that I had waited so long for.
Over the weeks we chatted and here and there he taught me a few Turkish words, he learned more English than I did Turkish, and we soon were talking to one another every day.
I would fall asleep with my computer open so that I could hear when he came online so that I did not miss him. (How is for wanting someone?)
Then it happened. He asked me what it would take for him to come to the US. I was floored. All the hopes that he cared were gone. He saw the hurt on my face, in my eyes. But I stood tall and told him what he wanted to know. He asked me if I would come here and marry him so that he could go to the US. I said yes. So the plans started to not visit Turkiye, but to move there and to go through with this marriage and get the papers and bring him back to the US.
Over the months, we seemed to grow closer. Or at least I thought we were. Sometimes he would say things that made me think that he wanted to be with me as more than a "green-card wife" and then other times he would flat out tell me that this is all he wanted.
So again, I stood tall and kept my promise to him. I would go and do this because I made a promise to him and I dont break my promises.
The month that I was to leave the US came and he found an apartment for us. He seemed to stress so much on my comfort and my needs. All the while he had no idea that I was stressing that he was going to hate me because of my size, I am a big woman, and that he was going to leave me at this apartment and go off to his family home and this was all for show. The fear that consumed me was almost too much to take. I cried many nights, and I was sick so much that I almost cancelled the whole thing several times.
May 18 I left home for a new life and to become a "green-card wife".
One of the most hated things in the US. Many say what kind of woman does this.. That is a simple answer.. a woman that loves a man so much that she is willing to do anything for him to show her love.
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